Sticks and stones may break my bones – What three phrases frustrate clear communication and lead to conflict?

An old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me”. (1)*may have been applicable in a more genteel age but unfortunately does not apply today.

Conversely, we have the saying “The pen is mightier than the sword”. (2)The phrase is interpreted to mean that the we can solve problems and achieve our purpose more effectively with the use of communication (verbal or written), than through violence and the use of weapons.

Three frequently used and inflammatory phrases that we say to others when we are in conflict or having a disagreement are:

“You always.......”

“You never.......”

“You make me.......”

Each of these opens a discussion with a negative accusatory connotation.  The use of these “blanket” terms negates anything positive contributed by the other person in any context. The phrases create an emotional response guaranteed to result in barriers to a clear message or open discussion. 

How does the choice of communication effect workplace productivity?

People can be and are affected by the language used in communication on a daily basis in their workplaces.

Perceptions of aggressive or negative discussions can lead to low morale, stress and in severe cases accusations of bullying. Inappropriate communication skills can create conflict in a workplace and cost a business, in the form of decreased productivity, increased days off sick and high staff turnover.

The words and phrases we use can create emotional reactions in others.

When we are communicating through an emotional filter we do not always convey our messages clearly nor are we able to receive others’ messages clearly.  When emotions run high we are less likely to hear what another person is saying and even less likely to understand their perspective and gain a clear understanding of their position. This leads to conflict in the workplace which can cost your business money.

We frequently find that rushed and thoughtless communication can be counterproductive and achieve a negative purpose when there is a lack of clarity and understanding of the message.  In other cases, there is a clear understanding of the communication when a negative message is conveyed. What starts out as a misunderstanding or a clear understanding of a negative message, can lead to conflict.

How does conflict resolution help in the workplace?

We can help you with professional development in conflict resolution skills for your team. When used early in scenarios like we’ve outlined above, it can prevent conflict from compounding.   

(1)  Appearing in the “The Christian Recorder”, a publication of the African Methodist Episcopal Church (1862)

(2)  Attributed to English novelist and playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839 in the play Cardinal Richelieu