The art of giving and receiving an apology

Unresolved conflict causes harm and inflicts hurt in both personal and working relationships. Learning the art of giving or receiving an apology is one way to mitigate the result of hurtful encounters.

We are only human and often our best intentions to not cause harm or hurt in relationships, comes unstuck. We can create conflict and harm through our words, deeds and actions or even a lack of words, deeds or actions.

A person who is genuinely sorry for causing harm and who understands this, will give thought to what they might do to mitigate against the same thing happening again or what they may need to do if it does happen again.

In a conflict situation, relationships are damaged. People can voluntarily decide to discuss matters to resolve this conflict. Usually though, the matter continues and assumes greater significance and causes more workplace or personal relationship disruption until something breaks completely, or someone else steps in.

When a third party compels people to discuss and resolve differences and conflict, an external, independent mediator can assist. Frequently these discussions culminate in an apology. The format and sequence of an apology usually follows a set pattern. One person says, “I’m sorry” and the other person may respond by saying, “that’s OK”.

Well “I’m sorry” is not a real apology and that’s not ok.

A genuine apology is a 3 or 4 step process

Step 1

In order to give a good meaningful apology, the person apologising needs to articulate clearly that they are indeed sorry.

Step 2

What are they sorry for? Do they genuinely understand what it is they have done to cause hurt or harm? Saying what they are sorry for shows that they understand what they have done or said to cause hurt or harm to someone. It indicates accountability; the person is taking responsibility for their words or actions. They are showing genuine remorse and acknowledgement that they have been responsible for the harm or hurt caused.

Step 3

They then need to express what they intend to do to make amends. This may be the start of a process of actions or an offer for a single action.

Step 4

They may also need to state what they will do if an incident recurs or harm and hurt are inflicted again.

Any apology that has the word “but” in it is not acceptable. For example, “I’m sorry that I........but, you made me angry”. The inclusion of “but “together with an allegation or reference to something someone else may have done, is not an apology. It is an attempt to shift the accountability to another person, event or even to blame the victim of the hurt or harm. It is an abrogation of any and all accountability on the part of the perpetrator/person apologising.

Are you the one giving the apology?

If you are the one apologising, don’t make commitments or promises that cannot, or will not be kept. Do not offer a commitment for atoning that will need to be endorsed or carried out by someone else. You can only make a commitment to do something that is within your capacity to do.

Are you the one receiving the apology?

If you are the one receiving an apology it is not a good idea to say “It’s OK” after receiving an apology. Clearly it is not OK, or you would not have been hurt or harmed by the incident or comment. If you can, acknowledge the apology by saying, “thank you for your apology”. If the apologiser says I’m sorry and then stops, you may want to ask, “what are you sorry for?”. This may help them express that they understand and take accountability for what has happened.

You may have a different idea about what should or could be done by them to demonstrate their contrition. It is unhelpful to dismiss what they are offering if you do not agree with them.

In cases where you are angry, acknowledge the apology and then let them know you will give thought to what they have offered and get back to them. Make sure you do this when you are feeling less emotional so that it can be a constructive discussion and not degenerate into another conflict or argument.

Conflict coaching can help organisations provide skills and professional development opportunities for their leadership team.